Carers Week | Finding support as a carer

Carers Week | Finding support as a carer

Being a Carer is a privilege. If you are someone that needs one, the carer is seeing your vulnerability, your weaknesses, your guard down, and the bond that can be created from this can form the purest love known. Being a carer to my little man has, and will be, the greatest honour of my existence. To know that he was chosen for me to help heal his wounds both physically and emotionally, to watch him struggle, grow from it, and learn how to live with his condition is simply breathtaking. In the moments when he is just him, not the sick one, not the one that’s so different to his friends, the pride is monumental.

This isn’t to say that it is anyone’s choice, unless it is your vocation in life. Let’s not pretend it’s all roses and hearts either… Toxic positivity is a topic regularly discussed on socials, and how posting the positives can somewhat take away from the struggles if there isn’t a balance of representation. I know myself I am much more likely to post about the positives and what works well, than share the negative days that feel like you are walking through treacle. When I feel my feed is looking too polished or overly positive I like to redress the balance and share the more darker side. That is personal preference, and don’t let anyone try and tell you to do otherwise. Go with your gut and do what feels right to you.

Having a safe and open space

Having a safe and open space to navigate the world of being a carer has been a turning point for me this year. Until then I had not found a group that I could attend with like minded parents. Good old Instagram and the wonderful @carla shared a link for the Murmuration Therapy Group in Bristol. I gave Poppy a call and her warm, comforting voice already made me feel seen and validated just from that one phone call. Little did I know what an anchor this group would become during one of the worst moments of my time as a carer, choosing single parent life and making that leap with my little man, having major bowel surgery on the cards and a possible stoma reversal.

The ethos of this group is based on helpful carers discovering incredible strength, wisdom and deep friendship. Having a disabled child can be terribly lonely and isolating. All the feelings you have from their birth if they arrive with a full bill of health are tough enough, throw in a disability and it’s the equivalent of buying a flat white coffee but being given a decaf, skinny, hazelnut latte with soya milk. A lot to take in, with no clue on how it will pan out until you dive in head first and start swimming. A lot of analogies there I’m aware – stick with me on this! At these nurture groups ran by the incredible Poppy and Naomi the following is achieved:

• Meet the same parents each week

• You off-load and hear other people with similar feelings

• You can make long-term friends

• Your will learn how to improve your mental health and stay strong for your child

They encourage participants to get in touch if they would like to become part of a small group with others going through similar experiences, so that they can connect, share, pour out all the feelings, and start making sense and wisdom out of the unexpected turn their life has taken.

The first session was full of a room of nervous ladies, I remember looking around thinking I don’t know these people, how could I possibly bare my soul and be vulnerable when they couldn’t know what I was going through or relate? Relational wellbeing is a term used for the nurturing of relationships, whether they be relations, romantic or friendship. How do these relationships serve you? Do they take away from you or add to your life? As I make my way through my 30s I have certainly seen who matters, who cares, and who doesn’t just take but adds to my wellbeing. It is freeing when you first recognise who doesn’t and make the changes to not pour as much effort out. It can be uncomfortable and trigger anxiety, but also hugely liberating and supportive of your health and progress in your journey as a carer.  You can discover how you can deal with your own needs which are often put to the bottom of the list with the person you care for at the top.

Fast forward a few months, and these ladies have become a staple in my relational wellbeing. We have all shared things some haven’t shared with their own families. We have cried, laughed, cwtched, danced and stretched through the pain and joy we have exposed from our daily lives. In those 90 minutes it’s just us in a room, with a cuppa in hand, ready to deep dive into what we have experienced and chip away at the demons that lie beneath the surface. How many people can say they have the opportunity to do so whilst being nurtured at the same time? It has brought acceptance, validation and made connections with people who in their everyday lives, would never have connected with on any level. Yet here we are planning socials and with our own WhatsApp group (yes another group!), to check in, have a melt down, and be upset with people who simply just get it. Being a carer is never easy, but when supported by others in relatable situations it can create incredible connections you would never have made before.

Reaching out

I urge you to reach out to other carers. Find your tribe! Check out socials, ask your child health practitioners of known local groups. Don’t be afraid to travel a little. Mine is an hour’s drive away but I make the driving part of the nurturing. I grab a nice coffee on the way, blast my latest liked list and sing loud and to the top of my lungs! It’s hugely liberating without the 7 year old telling me to stop as I am ruining the song! Concentrate on nurturing yourself giving you the ability to be the best carer you can be.

Until next time, Rach @gutsy.mum x