Mental Health Awareness Week | Mental Health with a Stoma

Talking about our mental health is still considered taboo, it is another invisible illness that can’t be physically seen. However the impact that unseen mental health has on us can be devastating.

I have been living with my own mental health since the age of 23. One was a manifestation of not being able to control my chronic illness, the second was after spending some considerable time in hospital and on life support. Waking up after 3 weeks on life support and seeing a rather large open wound, wires every where and a new stoma that I was not expecting can have a dramatic down turn of ones mental health; mine was to not sleep for 3 days out of fear that if I did, I wouldn’t wake up again, in the end I had to be sedated as I was creating merry hell in intensive care.

It has taken me a long time to get my anxiety under control, the PTSD is somewhat controlled but when stressed, ill or requiring a hospital admission it rears its head and it is not something I overly like talking about.

Low Moods

Low moods for me have been caused by a hormone imbalance due to a rather large cyst named Bob. At the moment I can not control my emotions, prone to bursting into tears at the drop of a hat and hating myself and my body on a regular basis. Standing crying in Next changing rooms because I had to buy size 14’s will probably stay with me for life due to the emphasis put on needing to be skinny and attractive.

It also doesn’t help that the cyst starts behind my stoma and has really pushed out and made my stoma side a good few inches larger than my non stoma side and I am really paranoid it can be seen through all my clothes, hence the lacking of social media posts from me because I feel like an over-weight middle aged woman who isn’t attractive in the slightest.

My family and husband are both supportive and amazing but there are times when no amount of being told you look lovely or pretty by them helps, if your mental health is low then you’re less likely to believe that those who have love or familial bias.

I am on sertraline and the dosage has been increased to 100 mg, but its still not helping the hormones, I am however sleeping better and not crying all the time.

Anxiety

I have lived with anxiety attacks for years, it can be crippling at times, my anxiety is weird. I have always been seen as a slightly chatty extrovert, for those of you who have got that side of me, I apologise, once I am settled and feel safe, I quieten down, and become relatively chilled and relaxed.

The other part of my anxiety are the sweating, racing heart and chronic dry mouth. When my anxiety is really on one, I jiggle my legs, can’t sit still and suffer with insomnia as my brain likes to say “Nope, no sleep for you Louise.”

I have had several CBT courses, when my anxiety gets bad and out of control I take Cognitive Behavioral therapy, it helps to re-instill my coping mechanisms and get me settled again.

I have tried several different medications over the years. However, a long lasting after affect of sepsis means my blood pressure is really low and the medication pushes it down even lower and is not a safe recourse for me, so I have found my own coping mechanisms.

PTSD

I developed PTSD after a long stint in hospital, this one isn’t as easy to get under control as the anxiety. My poor husband has found ways to help me but the night terrors are the worst part. As mentioned above, my night terrors are scary and not nice for my husband, when asleep I can’t control things and I think that’s why they present worse during my sleeping hours. I twitch, kick, punch , pinch and scream in my sleep, I have only ever pinched my husband a few times and he knows to bend my thumb back to wake me up and to loosen my grip. Due to the restlessness in my sleep, I have been prescribed nerve blockers and I now sleep better than I have done in the past.

I have had a few bad attacks whilst in hospital, I normally get sedated and that settles me as fight or flight kicks in and I can be difficult to handle. Some of the memories have stayed with me and I laugh now, along with a healthy dose of being absolutely mortified. Cutting myself out of a hospital night gown with my stoma scissors will always stay with me.

My coping mechanisms

For those who love me dearly, they know my gallows humour and extreme sarcasm is only in jest and don’t take offence, those who do not know me so well probably think I am one sick cookie.

Sarcasm has always been seen as the lowest form of wit, I however take comfort in it and I am proud to say, my daughter also has that trait.

Gallows humour has honestly got me through some really tough times and it has kept me sane.

Both my illness and metal health have moulded me into the person I am today.

I am currently on medication to help my low moods caused by a hormonal imbalance, they also quieten down the anxiety some what.

I am always here should you need to talk either in open or in private.

As always

Many thanks for reading

Louise Xx