Dating with a stoma

Dating with a stoma is something I never had to consider following surgery back in 2020. I was married, and the country was in the midst of its first lockdown. During the subsequent years that followed, divorce rates rocketed by 10% by the end of the first lockdown alone. Many found themselves in a relationship that had changed as a result, had become strained, or sadly wasn’t what they wanted anymore. On the other hand, others were having lockdown babies, or found love via dating apps or isolating together. Whatever side of the coin you found yourself, it was a stressful time for all, and if I am truly honest with myself, I was on the wrong side of the coin long before.

By the start of 2023 I found myself a single mum,  new to the dating world having not dated for 9 years. A lot has changed since then! No one seems to meet organically. Every single person I know is swiping, hoping to find ‘the one’. Now not to say that it isn’t possible, many find love this way and good on them! The hit of adrenaline when you match is quite something when you first start doing it, and when you find common interests and lock down a date it’s a great feeling. Unfortunately, the nature of the online dating world means its common place to find people portraying themselves in a more favorable light commonly known as catfishing. When it happens and particularly on a severe scale, it can be very unsettling, one of the main reasons why I didn’t use the apps for long!

Putting aside all the predicaments that come with online dating, we then come to having an ostomy. How on earth do you navigate having one when it comes to putting yourself out there? My first port of call was asking my ostomate friends who I knew had dabbled in online dating. Some said it was one of the first things they shared, preferring to get it out of the way and if the prospective person wasn’t agreeable with it then it helped sift through the bad eggs! Others were more inclined to have a few dates to see if there was a connection, and then share. For me, I took the advice of a great friend who said just share it straight away, if they don’t like it then it saves time and upset if you take a liking to someone. When I set up my profile I included a photo with my bag out. You couldn’t not see it. It was very daunting at first. I felt embarrassed to put myself in such an environment, which is ironic as I do it as a job through my awareness account. But this felt so different. The first date I went on I remember being gobsmacked when they really weren’t bothered about my bag. My mouth hit the floor! I couldn’t understand why? How could they not be bothered after what I had experienced before…

When going on the dates themselves I would take my typical routine of making sure my bag was playing ball beforehand with visual checks, which with the Pelican ModaVi One Piece I use is always reliable and never fails me. I think I will always do such things out of habit which isn’t a bad thing, better be safe than sorry! I take just one bag change with me now with the flange cut teamed with an eakin^® Freeseal, 50ml REFRESH spray and a pack of tissues. No big bag needed. I can team it with my outfit with a cute handbag and feel date night ready!

I had left a marriage where I was rejected because of my bag, and it felt like I was just asking to be rejected again, but I knew I had to push myself and not tarnish others with the same brush. Being rejected because of your bag isn’t commonplace, some of us have experienced it unfortunately, but it shows more about that person’s character and nothing about you. If you have experienced such rejection it is utterly heartbreaking. For most of us, having our bag means not suffering anymore, at least on the scale previous to surgery. It takes acceptance of your new body, a new way of life, great strength and courage. You should give your heart to someone who appreciates this and sees you for all you are, you are not your bag, you are so much more. Never forget.

I had a few comments from individuals asking me what my bag was but never had any negativity apart from one ignorant being. I didn’t stay on them long enough to experience anymore than that! Fast forward 7 months and I am with someone I met organically, who doesn’t see me for my bag and makes me feel loved, cherished and accepted like I never thought was possible. Ostomates in happy relationships would tell me it was possible and I never believed it was meant for me. But this wonderful human has restored my faith in what love truly is, and when I am with them I don’t feel like an ostomate. I am simply Rach, Jake’s Mum, and my bag is just something that comes along with it. It doesn’t define me. If you are in the midst of dating whether it be online or not, have fun with it, go on lots of dates, enjoy meeting new people and making connections. I met some lovely people and had a few laughs on the way!

Until next time,

Rach x

@gutsy.mum