Dating With A Stoma
Should dating with a stoma be any different? Will the path of finding the one be hindered due to the bags stuck to our tummies?
As they say: “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”.
Dating should not be any different. Yes, we may have had a slight anatomy change but that doesn’t change how we look or how we should be perceived by the potential “one true love”.
I have seen it time and time again in online support groups, where the individual is going to drop the “I have the stoma” bomb on the 4th date and the fledgling relationship comes to a rather dramatic halt, followed by the online support of that person isn’t worth your time or effort. I can see where most are coming from, but flip it around and you can see as to why the listener may have an issue and struggle to wrap their head around what they have been told.
If I put the above mentioned into perspective for you. All relationships are built on a foundation of trust and honesty. If you can hold back on telling someone about having stoma what else could you hold back further on into the relationship?
We shouldn’t have to keep having a stoma a secret. You will find more often than not, that if you are open and honest from the early onset of any potential relationship, that they are more open and less judgmental if it’s eased in through the early onset of conversation rather than building a relationship and then dropping the mother of all secrets.
I have used dating sites, put that I have a chronic illness that can’t be cured and was soon to be facing stoma surgery. This opened a fair amount of avenues and led to 75% of the men researching what I had. They would send me photos of people with a stoma and asking if that’s what I would look like once I had the further surgery carried out. Being open and honest is a good weeder and sifts through the narcistic, vain or just the people that really aren’t worth your time.
My dating history
In the grand scheme of things my dating history is rather short, in my adulthood I have had 2 serious relationships, one rebound and a few months dating someone that I couldn’t quite get a handle on so decided to not pursue a serious relationship with that individual.
I have used one online dating app and have to admit for the most part it was rather entertaining, it took the pressure off as I was enjoying being single and finding myself, so went on a few dates here and there but didn’t really commit myself to the “OMG I need to find the one”. The breakdown of my 11 year relationship with Maisie’s father left me a bit skitty and rather cynical so I viewed every potential with laser eyesight and a “yeah right”. I am rather intuitive and can tell when someone isn’t being truthful or hiding something.
Hands up if you found your current beau on Facebook. I have known Panda on & off over the last 16 years, we both grew up in the same area, lived down the road from each other and I took his job in the bakery when I was doing my A-level studies and he said this was because I was blonder and prettier than him at the time.
Our friendship started off as a friend request and a fair amount of staying up on whats app until 2 am catching up on a fair amount of years missed communication. I will be perfectly honest I had no romantic notions at the time and was just being a friend and helping him through a relationship break down and a divorce.
Panda and I came to be after he was a gentleman and rescued me from a really bad date. Looking back now the date at the time was horrific and escape was futile. I had to sit and endure the date and made a swift exit when he suggested changing venue.
One thing led to another and we started dating. He has been through two major surgeries, the recovery process when I am at my worst and he still loves me and accepts all our relationship has to throw at him. He has had me at normal plumbing and change of plumbing and I think he prefers the me now as I am in less pain; the stoma doesn’t impact the relationship and has made life more free for the both of us.
Fellow ostomates perspective
I always research my blogs and garner others perspectives so it’s not just based on my sole opinion. Across my platforms I posted out this statement to engage with others and get their feelings on this matter:
Now I’m a firm believer in honesty is the best policy. Any relationship is based on being truthful and honest.
I’ve always been open about having an incurable illness and my stoma history.
I’ve seen it time and time again in groups where people keep it a secret and reveal their stoma later down the line and for some they get kicked backed as the other person doesn’t quite understand or just doesn’t want to date an individual who may have a different wired anatomy.
What are your thoughts on this? Is being open and honest the best policy or should it be kept back?
We are each entitled to our own opinions and views. So please don’t bully others if they have differing views!!
- Glitterygutsx – “Honesty is most definitely the best policy! I have always been open and honest about my illness and stoma. Some have been understanding and others have used that to seek sex and those ones have always been blocked immediately and haven’t spoken to them since.”
- Sophie_ax – “Be open and honest. If they lose interest straight away they are not worth your time. Must be very shallow though to lose interest in a person who has a stoma.”
- Goalieostomate – “Open and honest is the best way. I will admit that I am as happy as hell that I am not single whilst being an ostomate, as this is something that I don’t have to worry about. I would call giving the correct information part of the screening process- if the prospective dating scoffs, it saves time. Keeping it a secret is a basis for heartbreak. It is like keeping any other secret, it may not end well.”
- Queen Bee of IBD – “Always be upfront. Wouldn’t even go on the date without having mentioned it and knowing it’s not a problem. I have no interest in wasting time and effort. That said, there is no right way. It has to be personal preference and comfort that takes priority.”
I would like to say thank you for others help and perspectives on compiling this post.
Many thanks for reading
Louise uses our Platinum Vitamin E range to keep her stoma site protected, nourished and moisturised. To try a sample, click here.